Don't Rush It...

     I see it all the time on social media and even among parents I know. Soon after the separation, the single parent finds someone new and rushes into a new life with this person by their side. I don’t mean dating. Dating can and should be kept separate from your kids until you’re ready for the next transition.  What I am referring to is moving this new love straight into your messy life and expecting to ride off into the sunset.  Playing house, forcing your children (probably still healing the wounds from the divorce) to play house, and all for the fear of being alone again.

       Oh, if only it were so easy. These parents are merely patching the hole their former spouse left  behind  with someone else, baggage from both sides is usually included. No matter how hard they try the fractures lines still exist. The very thing that created the hole in the first place is likely still present and will eventually crack under the pressure of this new insta-family you tried to force together.  Here me on this: Even if that thing that caused your divorce wasn’t your fault, there are memories and trauma that you have likely tucked behind your heart. Any relationship, no matter how happy or healthy  is sure to expose them! Wouldn’t you rather deal with that trauma before you jump in and play house, adding kids and schedules and expectations into the mix?

      Single parent life is daunting. I know this reality. I know it as a single parent who lives far away from my own family support system. I know the pressure you feel every day, just to keep your shit together and find time to be a good mom or dad. And, I know that as hard as it’s been for me, others have it way worse because there are greater financial struggles at hand than I haven’t had to endure.I went from a stay at home mom of 3 to a full time working single mom of 3. I felt, and sometimes still feel like a big chunk of the motherhood that I was meant to savor was stolen from me. Moments that were supposed to be joyful are kind of just a blur because they happened in the midst of a really big storm that I wasn’t prepared for. I went to work every day and came home every night trying to be super mom. I was tapped out, on edge, and exhausted.  

     Meanwhile, in dad land, the mistress was helping manage everything from grocery shopping to kid pickup. Every part of that felt unfair, and it was. I would sometimes climb into my car and scream at God. I would throw a tantrum like a child whose favorite toy just got stolen by a playground bully. My life, as I knew it, was ripped from my hands. I white knuckled it, thrashing around trying to put it back together. I prayed every single day for someone to come along and help me.

    Looking back now I can see that God answered that prayer very directly.  He didn’t send the knight in shining armor that I thought I needed. He did even more by sending me Jesus.  Jesus came in the form of a woman from church who selflessly offered to watch my daughter for free on the days she didn’t go to preschool. He came in the form of a crew of trusted men and women from church and my community to help me pack up my house and move it to the next town over.  He came in the form of an affordable after school sitter who could love on my kids until I could get back from work every Friday.  There were so many people who met me in the hardest season of my life.  My father knew exactly what I needed and He knew I had work to do. 

    Eventually, my grasping empty hands became open hands. Hands open to receive whatever God had in store and heart ready for the next chapter. There are days where I still resort to tears, wishing I would have packed up a U-Haul the night he left and moved our kids closer to family. There are days where I wrestle with my parenting, feeling inadequate and aching for someone to come along side me and help me when I just don’t feel strong enough. Those are usually the days that I forget that God is right beside me. 

   Yesterday someone asked me why I feel the need to get to the finish line. She was referring to my feeling that I was ready for the next phase of my relationship, which would involve introducing the kids. I pondered that for a moment. Sometimes I get so hyper-focused on figuring out the future that I forget to see the life surrounding me right now. After all, the view is pretty amazing, and for that I'm grateful.