Immeasurably More

    Today is Halloween and it’s not my year to be with the kids. I know it’s not a great big holiday like Christmas so it shouldn’t be such a big deal, but it is. You see, for many years I did this day alone. Daddy always had to work on Halloween. There’s a part of me that feels like I earned this day. I know that sounds selfish.   It’s not like he had a choice and would probably have rather been trick or treating with the kids, sneaking a Reese’s out of someone’s pillowcase of candy while I sipped my wine and handled out handfuls of candy.   I think I can remember one or two years where he had the evening off…every other year I ended up a stressed and frazzled trying to hastily feed the kids, get them in costumes, and get the designated trick or treating route covered while simultaneously trying to be home to hand out candy.     I know it seems like I would want to enjoy this year off considering all that doing Halloween alone takes out of me. It'...

Last week my oldest son asked me to help him find pictures from his childhood for a school project. At first, I was sickened by the thought of digging up the old photos that I had hastily tucked away in the midst of pain. Family photos, birthday parties, holidays...a seemingly happy family now torn apart. As we started digging, it hit me that I can now separate the memories of the past from the pain. It was freeing for me to realize I've come this far.  I can look at most of my photos (not counting any of them surrounding the affairs or the darkness of divorce.) Instead of a heaviness of a weighted down heart, I feel (mostly) tiny bubbles of joy. Those were memories from that life, and these are the memories from this one. The path ahead of me is so much clearer now that the fog of grief is gone. Life before the storm seemed so settled and safe. I thought I was happy with my big house and the pretty pool in the fancy neighborhood. We had plenty of space for entertaining,...