Life Before the Storm

Last week my oldest son asked me to help him find pictures from his childhood for a school project. At first, I was sickened by the thought of digging up the old photos that I had hastily tucked away in the midst of pain. Family photos, birthday parties, holidays...a seemingly happy family now torn apart. As we started digging, it hit me that I can now separate the memories of the past from the pain. It was freeing for me to realize I've come this far.  I can look at most of my photos (not counting any of them surrounding the affairs or the darkness of divorce.) Instead of a heaviness of a weighted down heart, I feel (mostly) tiny bubbles of joy. Those were memories from that life, and these are the memories from this one. The path ahead of me is so much clearer now that the fog of grief is gone.

Life before the storm seemed so settled and safe. I thought I was happy with my big house and the pretty pool in the fancy neighborhood. We had plenty of space for entertaining, which is something I have always loved to do. I had a beautiful kitchen that looked into the backyard where I could watch the kids splash around in the swimming pool on summer evenings while I prepared dinner. I was busy with kids and activities and filling my schedule prioritizing everyone but myself. My husband had a good paying job that allowed me the freedom of being at home while the kids were still young. We would be comfortable for the rest of our days.

I thought I was happy before the storm. In the midst of it I remember pleading with God to give me my old life back. As God keeps working on me, I've come to realize there is a difference between being happy and just being content that nothing felt uncertain. I was safe, securely tucked away in my big fancy house with no fear of the future. Life would ebb and flow and I would just be safe. My kids would have more than they need, my husband would be by my side (for better or for worse)  and we would just be. 

Now I know that God didn't put me on this earth to "just be." He wants my life to be filled with purpose. I know I'm not going to figure this stuff out overnight, but today I'm going to take time to breath deeply and to praise God for the memories including all the shared celebrations, vacations and the births of  our three children.  I'll praise him for all of the moments in the life before the storm, and I'll work my way into praising him for the storm too.